It started like any other week, go to class, whine about all the homework I have, the whole shebang. Anyway, I walked into my class and basically what I came out with is that I needed to have more children.
Umm...excuse me? Harry, I feel you. I'm just as surprised as you are.
Now, if anyone reading this knows any Mormon people, you're probably thinking that we all want to have as many children as possible and "multiply and replenish the earth". While that may be true for some people, there are some of us out there who are a little hesitant to have more than a couple kids so when we get told we basically need to think about having more, it's like:
I will say, after this class, I kind of felt a little more inspired to have more, well at least think about it...AND BEFORE ANYONE STARTS LIGHTING THE TORCHES, let me explain myself.
When I was in high school, I would have considered myself, not a hardcore feminist, but I definitely was in the "I ain't havin' no children and getting married early" boat. My sister and I had talks about this stuff quite frequently because we're girls, it's just a default topic of conversation. Anyway, she is the type of person who naturally loves children and wants at least 6 of her own and to adopt/foster some. I on the other hand, would prefer to observe them from a safe distance. Marriage was something that was on my list, but I wasn't too thrilled about the idea of startin' 'er up right after I got married. So I was like fine, I guess if I must have them I'll have 2 and no more! My sister responded with, "What if your husband wants more" to which I replied, "Hey man, if I'm doin' all the birthin' and incubating for 9 months, I think I should get most of the say right"? So by now you get the idea of what I was like pre college.
So anyway to make a long story short, I came out to BYU-I do fully determined to make it through without getting married. (It's working so far). I went to my religion and family classes fully prepared to be have to sit through hours of sappy "I love my husband and my children...", but I was pleasantly surprised. The more I learned about marriage, parenthood, etc., the more I wanted to get on the bandwagon. I bumped my max child limit to 3 which it is hovering at currently.
Aren't you proud of me? :)
But in all seriousness, I was warming up to the idea that this was going to be part of my life someday and I was happy about it!
So now that I've caught you up, back to my class. So we had to discuss whether or not we should have more children and I was getting all sorts of comments like "It's between you and your spouse", "The Lord knows how much you can handle" etc. and that's great and all, but I think I know myself pretty well and I just don't think I would be able to have more than 3 kids because that's just what I can handle. I don't want to be that mom who is stressed out and just in a bad mood all the time because the life has been sucked out of me.
But then, we started diving into the research as to why people, not just Mormons, should have more kids. This is pretty interesting stuff and I honestly think we should take this very seriously. People in general believe that the population of the world is growing and will continue to grow. They've thought this for a long time and even told people to slow down because they didn't want to run out of resources for the people already on the earth. So what happens? People stop having as many kids and now some don't want any ever. The general thought is: "Oh someone else will have them and I'll just live my life now for me". That's great and all, but did you know that the fertility rate is dropping and the world may start to depopulate? I know, scary. In order to keep the world populated, people need to have 2.13 children and right now, the average is 1.8. If this trend continues, we might have to worry about there not being enough people to keep the world going for our kids.
That had never occurred to me and honestly, it scared me. What if the population started to decrease? What would the world be like for my children?
Now, I'm not here to scare anyone into having more because that's just not going to happen; people have a choice whether to have them or not, but just think about that for a minute. It might seem ideal to live alone and not have to worry about kids, but actually people who live alone have higher levels of depression because believe it or not, humans are social beings and therefore we need human interaction and the best way to get it is through family because we're surrounded by them and they make us happy. And if you say you'll be happier without them, think again. Think about old people who don't have grandchildren. Don't you think they wish they'd of had children instead of pursuing a career? Because in the end the career ended with retirement and they were just sitting there, alone, with nobody to pass the family name to.
To me, that sounds really sad. But that still doesn't mean that I'm not afraid to have kids because that is a HUGE step. I used to ask my mom all the time what I would do when I got out of the hospital because once you check out, it's just you, your spouse, and your kid. Alone. With no "How to Raise a Child" book. And that's why I think kids scare me so much. I just don't want to completely mess up and have them turn out to be bums.
This class definitely helped me rethink my "3 kids max" policy, but that doesn't take away the fear. I don't think Heavenly Father thinks I'm going to mess up because when I received my Patriarchal blessing (for all of you who don't know what that is, it's basically some direction from the Lord about your life, it doesn't say exactly what is going to happen, but it basically just talks about how much the Lord loves you and how He believes in you). I was told that I would be an excellent mother someday and my children would be able to learn by my example. I don't want to say too much because it's sacred and very personal, but that is something that I have been told. So the Lord trusts me with His children, but do I trust myself? Over the summer, I also had a very distinct dream where I was running around playing with a little blonde girl. Now this little girl looked very familiar to me, but I had no idea who she was. I just knew that I loved her more than I can ever describe here. So I told my mom about it and she said that it basically meant I was going to be a good mom.
So at least twice now I've had some sort of confirmation that I have nothing to fear, but I'm still afraid. So also during the summer, I was helping my mom in her classroom because she teaches very cute little 2nd graders and at first I was pretty hesitant to go up to them, but they just come up to you! They are so happy to just wave and smile at you and it's kind of contagious. Some of them, even the little trouble makers, started creeping their way into my heart and I was actually sad to leave them and come back to school.
So you may be wondering, am I going to have more children than I have planned? I honestly don't know. I believe the Lord won't give me more than I can handle, but maybe He'll try to push me because He knows who I am and what I'm capable of. I think it has definitely helped to have so many instances where I have been with kids and haven't had any problems, but I think I'm slowly getting there. I don't know how many kids I'll end up having, but I know I'll be able to care for all of them and they'll be special to me.
And to all my readers, if you're thinking about not having any kids or are afraid like me, don't be! Though the idea might be scary, I have faith that all of you will be excellent parents and if you just trust the Lord, it'll all work out.
Thank you for reading and I'll see you next week! :)
